When reducing expectations changed everything

What we were struggling with

Our child’s anxiety and distress would explode the moment any expectation was placed on them — even tiny everyday things like putting on shoes, sitting at the table or getting in the car. Mornings were traumatic for everyone. We were constantly walking on eggshells and had reached the point where school refusal was happening almost every day.

What we tried first (and why it didn’t work)

We tried being calm but firm. We tried reward charts, visual schedules, timers, consequences and “follow-through.” Every professional told us to be consistent — but the more we pushed, the more dysregulated and unreachable our child became. Nothing felt safe anymore — for them or for us.

What we changed - our low-demand approach

We made a decision to radically reduce demands — even the “everyday” ones. That meant no forced school, no commands, and no talking about what “should” happen next. For the first two weeks, we focused only on connection, co-regulation and letting their nervous system reset. We let go of the idea of “falling behind” — and focused on helping our child feel safe again.

What happened for our child and our family

The change was not instant — but it was real. The explosions reduced. Our child started seeking us out again — talking, laughing, making small choices on their own. The aggression dropped once they stopped feeling under constant threat. We slowly started reintroducing gentle, collaborative micro-demands later — but only once trust and safety came back.

If you’re trying this - things we wish we’d known

This approach is not “doing nothing.” It is intentional nervous-system repair. It can feel terrifying at first, especially when school and professionals don’t understand. But things only began to change when we stopped fighting our child’s brain and started meeting it where it was. For us — it was a circuit breaker.

Where this sits in current research:
This aligns with emerging evidence in PDA-informed practice, trauma-responsive education and neurodiversity-affirming mental health models. It is not yet consistently recognised within traditional behavioural or school-based intervention frameworks.